By Darren Wilk, MA, RCC Certified Gottman Therapist/trainer and co-owner of Bestmarriages
As a marriage therapist for 20 years I have noticed that couples avoid bringing up complaints because of the fear of a fight, or worse – apathy. Some even believe that if they can avoid a fight they will be happy, and fun will amazingly just appear in the relationship. Typical complaints around house cleaning, laundry, sex, putting kids to bed, lateness, Facebook, or friends start to sound like nagging or negativity and are met with a wall of defensiveness.
Why do we avoid conflict?
“My partner should be happy. I am telling him what I need and how to make me happy, how much simpler can I make it?” However, what the partner hears is “Oh great, one more thing I am failing at. I will never make her happy, because she is impossible to please. I have complaints too, but I’m the kind of person that learns to suck it up and get over it. I wish my partner was more like me.”
If this happens too often couples will start storing up their complaints until they have evidence to prove their point. This lawyer type approach seems logical and goes something like this:
“I want to have sex, but my partner never initiates. I really want to know if my partner desires me and loves me and I am missing the connection. I know! I will stop initiating and just wait for them. I am determined to see this research through, because the result will prove once and for all that my partner is not interested in sex, or me!”
Two months later… there has now been no sex. Now you can approach your partner and say with confidence, “I have been watching you for two months and I guess you don’t love me, because you have no interest in sex… or you’ve got a problem that needs to be fixed.” Well how did that work out? It didn’t, right?
So how should we complain?
Well there are a lot of answers that work, but for now I will give two. The worst thing you can do in your relationship is avoid conflict because it will not make things better, in fact it makes things worse.
